My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
