I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Randomize