walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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