Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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