why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
