is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
