Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
