I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
