Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
