Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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