omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Randomize
