You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
