I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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