Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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