Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
