God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
