I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You need Xanax blowdarts
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
