just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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