My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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