Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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