I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
