I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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