i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
