I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
