Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
pray to the hookup gods
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
