You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
