hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
