Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
