I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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