God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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