Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
