apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
