tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
