i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
