oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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