Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Everclear isn't food dammit
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
