Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
