Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
