Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
