It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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