She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
