I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
