i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
