mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
