So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
