you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
