dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
