standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
