I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
