Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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