Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
