Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
