I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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