DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
