Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
