Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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