Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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